So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
