Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
