He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize