Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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