The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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