I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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