i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
