i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
