Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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