Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
