You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
