i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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