No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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