Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.