party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
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