I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
