I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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