hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
