nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
