i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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