I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
