tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
