dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
