I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today