Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".