Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.