Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
