Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
