they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
