you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
