Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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