I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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