I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
