oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Houston, we have a squirter
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
