But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
