Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
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Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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