So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
