24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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