So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
