so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
