I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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