i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
