ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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