Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
someone owes me an orgasm
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
