Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
