Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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