She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
