We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
