What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
