Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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