All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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