I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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