White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
