you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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