So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
